A husband has been criticized online for demanding that the living room security camera remain on even when his wife is alone, despite her demands to the contrary.
The woman, who said Newsweek to identify her as “Claire,” shared her story with the popular Reddit forum r / AmITheA ** hole. She got over 5,700 upvotes and 1,300 comments for her post, “AITA for turning off the living room video camera when I’m home alone or hanging out with my kids?”
Claire says she has been married for over 10 years. About four years ago, they bought a new house together and decided to acquire a security system with. The security system came with an interior camera, installed in the living room.
“Although I liked the idea of having him monitor movement when we weren’t home/sleeping, my husband wanted it all the time, even when we were home. It put me a little uncomfortable, but I accepted the idea” Claire wrote.
She says when they received the camera, their children were only 3 and 6 years old and they could use it “almost like a baby monitor”. They also used the camera in other ways, she said, like using it to track when they put food in the oven if the timer wasn’t set.
However, as their children have grown, the “baby monitor” function has become less necessary. Claire says that a few months ago she was sitting alone while the kids were at school, and “just kinda realized how weird it is” to have a camera watching her while she watched the television, and turned it off.
“I’ve mentioned several times that I don’t think we need the cameras, but in retrospect I should have had a chat with him before I turned it off. It upset my husband. Now if I turn it off, turn it off. turn it back on,” Claire wrote.
Claire and her husband have since had many conversations on camera. She argues that since the kids are older now, they don’t need to watch them, adding that using a camera to prove whether or not they’re lying is “honestly, it’s not the best parenting”. Her husband, however, wants the camera to be on all the time, even if everyone is at home.
“He says the fact that I don’t want the camera on doesn’t respect him as the head of the family and he’ll turn it on repeatedly every time I turn it off. If he’s home, he notices it’s off right away. If he’s at work, he’ll ‘I’ll turn it on in a few hours (no it doesn’t let him know it’s been turned off),’ Claire wrote. “I feel like it’s weird and controlling. But I don’t have any other good reason not to want it.
“He still wants to use it to monitor kids and use it to figure out what time something happened. Sometimes he’ll use it for things like helping kids figure out where they put their book when they went home or something,” she added. . “His objection to me turning it off when I’m home alone is that then I don’t turn it back on so there’s no footage if we ‘need’ to look back .”
In an update, Claire says she confronted her husband about turning the camera back on when she was alone, and turned it off during dinner. After that her husband took away her access to the camera and she can no longer turn it off.
Even in a marriage, privacy can be an issue. Sometimes a breach of privacy is accidental, sometimes it is in the service of score points in an argument. But there is a difference between someone who finds something in his spouse’s pockets while doing laundry and having a real camera in the house to monitor their every move.
Kristin Davin, Doctor of Psychology spoke to Newsweek on the situation. She said it was important to understand why Claire’s husband wanted the camera on, specifically wondering, “What is he afraid of that makes him turn it on whenever he wants?” Davin said. to be sure to “respect” his role as “head of the family” in the face of his wife’s discomfort, “seems to demonstrate a lack of respect on his part for his wife’s wishes”.
“Again, if he controls (sounds that way) anything that bodes in the opposite direction to his gender values/norms (based on what he says) will be considered disrespectful,” said David. Newsweek.
Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC agreed that Claire’s husband doesn’t seem to respect her.
“Whenever a member of a couple ‘feels weird’ or ‘uncomfortable’ with a request from their partner, they have a right to stand their ground. The ‘head of household’ argument doesn’t fly not like in a real partnership, there is mutual respect and respect for each other’s needs, ”said Degges-White Newsweek.
“By recording, he is violating his wife’s normal desire for privacy in her own home. Although there is the argument that hidden video recording in public spaces, such as living rooms, kitchens, etc. ., is not illegal when checking in to bedrooms and bathroom is absolutely illegal, that is not the argument for checking in that hubby might think. If his wife is against checking into her own home, her wishes should prevail as it is a matter of privacy and neither partner should be comfortable forcibly crossing their partner boundaries,” he said. she continued.
Both Davin and Degges-White agreed that the two needed to have a serious conversation about why Claire’s husband insists on the camera being on.
“It’s a difficult situation and one that needs a deeper conversation about why he wants to keep it on, despite his wish to turn it off. It seems/seems to be very intrusive on his part,” Davin said.
Degges-White added that while her husband may have “totally innocent” reasons, it seems wrong for him to ignore her wishes.
“While the recording may be for entirely innocent purposes, such as finding the book that has been misplaced, the optic of this desire for total surveillance suggests that there is another factor motivating this partner. Respect is a two-way street and asking someone to be under observation when they are at home seems like a serious control issue and a lack of respect for a partner’s boundaries,” she said. Newsweek. “We should all have the right to privacy in our own homes.”
Redditors agreed that Claire’s husband was wrong.
“[Not the A**hole]. And you should probably pay more attention to the massive red flag that is “the head of the family”. These are the words of someone who does not consider you an equal partner in your marriage. I don’t know what your work situation is, but women’s unpaid domestic work should be recognized and considered on equal footing with the financial contributions made,” u/LoubyAnnoyed wrote in the top rated comment with over 16,600 upvotes. .
“He disrespects you for calling him ‘head of the family’. He is rude and controlling,” u/queenofwasps wrote. “I don’t see any reason why you can’t use it to watch the kids yet, but it’s for when you’re away. Not just watching shows and already supervising the kids.”
“[Not the A**hole] – He’s the ‘head of the family’ so what are you? Seems like you are not considered an equal so your needs, opinions and requests are unimportant and less valuable than his,” u/DesertSong-LaLa wrote. “His request is strange. It stinks of control, the need to find fault… is he a strong bossy figure for you and the kids? He must learn to set a timer for food and find parenting strategies that don’t involve filming that leads to “justice.” I’m afraid you need to contact me. Good for you.”
“I think it’s weird and controlling for him to push back. My husband expressed similar feelings to me when I had indoor cameras for our travels, and being able to monitor our cat,” u wrote. /landocked_mermaid_.
“He was right. If I don’t, I kind of hear him on calls, I can see what he’s doing on his phone and I know he’s definitely taking a nap instead of emptying the lava. -dishes. So I turn it off when it gets home,” they continued. “Sometimes he texts me to turn it on so I can see the cat snuggle up to him, but otherwise a little privacy is just fine. [Not the A**hole]”
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